We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
