i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
