I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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