Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
