when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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