I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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