Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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