Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He did a backflip because drugs
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