As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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