what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
