they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i now understand why vodka
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
