I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
