i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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