I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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