you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
