i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
