Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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