My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
