Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
