every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
