you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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