After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
