I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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