well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
