just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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