I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
