He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
