My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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