glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
