i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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