Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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