okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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