Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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