I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
