mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
