Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
