That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
