Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
