And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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