everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
