How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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