if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
