fuck your aforementioned shoe
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize