he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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