Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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