So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
