I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
