i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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