currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There r osticjed everywhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
