I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
