So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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