forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
