I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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