I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
