I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
