I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
